Dear Body,
I don’t know what you did to deserve the hurtful words that I dish out at you ev-er-y day. You’ve been getting a lot of smack from me lately, and so I owe you an apology. For the past 10 years – ten years! – we’ve had an unstable relationship. I pick you apart like you’re a machine without a heart, imagining you to look like a manufactured, plastic Barbie doll that was created on a conveyer belt, flawless and identical to the rest. That isn’t reality though; I have a heart, a strong heart, and the degrading thoughts that sprint through my head at race pace do nothing but punch weakness into my heart.
A freckle, two freckles…1,001 freckles, scars – a new one every month or two – tan lines that cease to disappear, callused feet, and unusual orange palms. I label these “imperfections”, as if they should be distinguished with Post-It notes and marked #1…#2. I wasn’t born into the world “perfect”, so why after 22 years of living life, should I expect you to show no signs of life… of experience, of what makes me, Hillary?
Can I not be thankful, grateful, and appreciative that you carried me through a life-threatening illness at the age of seven for a reason, that you’ve allowed me to run thousands of miles on this beautiful planet – including 5 memorable half-marathons – and that you have the leg muscles to show for it? Can I not be thankful that your laugh is contagious and makes any stranger around you smile?
Do I really need to yell at you for indulging in a chunk of 73% dark chocolate smeared with almond butter after eating tuna and raw carrot sticks? Is it necessary for me to allow “your gravitational number” to dictate my innocent days that are worthy of happiness in more ways than one?
You’ve gotten a lot of shit (excuse me) from me throughout my adolescent years, as I dealt with hormonal changes, relationships, anger, sadness, and fear. I’ve thrown restrictive diets at you, from one week to next, and I’ve held you hostage at the gym well past your limit.
Can I not see that the only way you will succeed and survive a long, healthy life is if I feed you with positivity, trust, and love? You aren’t getting any younger. Your 12-year-old physique of a gymnast and a swimmer can only be seen in Mom’s treasured photo albums.
As much as I’d like to say our relationship with be all roses from here on out, I am smart enough to know our issues can’t be mended with a single stitch. Hopefully, sooner than late, I will come to peace with the reality that as life changes, you will change too. You might not understand why I fuel you with chia seeds, ancient grains, and dark leafy greens. You more than likely question why we circle the track and hang out upside down on the yoga mat week in and week out. I will tell you… it’s out of love.
Thank you, Body, for sticking by my side… for allowing me to tear you down and always picking me back up.
Love,
Hillary
* * *
If this post surprised you, please do not be alarmed. This is something I’ve wanted to write for a while. If you weren’t aware, I am guarded by some brick-thick walls, and along with learning to live, I’ve been working on chipping away at those walls. The only way to do that, I’ve figured, is by being vulnerable. It’s scary, and nerving, but perhaps by using my inner strength to come out of my hard shell, I can help others (you?) appreciate our individual beauty and make more of our days happy ones.
Modeling my birthday Lulu crops & headband – thank you, Dad!
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post!! You are so amazing to write this :) Love the new Lulu swag!
Hillary, this is such an awesome post. I struggle with the same thing. I find it hard to be happy with my body, always noting an imperfection (or two or three), struggling to find the good. I beat my body down and often forget to build it back up with a little self love. Thank you for writing this. Sometimes it’s nice not to feel all alone in this fight to be more grateful for the amazing things our bodies do for us. <3
Awesome post! It’s easy to think that most bloggers have a perfect & positive relationship with their bodies, but a lot of them struggle from time to time. Thanks for sharing!
Great post! I loved the style of this post. I struggle with the very same thing more often than I wish.
I think it is important to stop beating ourselves up over our ‘little’ imperfections and think about the big picture and the strength that our bodies are capable of! The beautiful things that it can do and bring us through! And you are right in the end all it needs is love!
Great quote:
“Can I not see that the only way you will succeed and survive a long, healthy life is if I feed you with positivity, trust, and love?”
Hillary – I really loved this post, it was incredibly brave and so inspiring. I especially loved the line about fraying your body as if it were a machine without a heart, I’m guilty of that too. I’m glad to hear you’re working on taking down walls, we all have them up but life gets a lot easier after we bring them down. Looking forward to what his process brings for you :)
Love this :) Your workout gear is so cute!…We have matching shoes ;)
Beautiful read. What a way to start my day :)
(Tissues, Laura)
Great post. I’m currently working on this, as well. Why am I harming my body when it is allowing me to workout, eat, be healthy, etc. I’m trying to enjoy life while destroying life itself. It’s time to take healthy steps and push forward. I need to start feeding my body and thanking it each time it allows me to do something exciting and active. Although I’ve had surgery within the past year, it’s my job to make sure my body recovers in a healthy way. I believe we all have to work on things sometimes, but keeping ourselves healthy is the only way to have the strength to “work” on it.
What a great post! I wish you well on your journey to accepting your body. I think we all have experienced thoughts like yours at one time or another. As a side note, you look amazing! Most people would give anything to have a body like yours. :)
That was so beautiful Hillary. Thank you for writing this because I know I needed to hear it and I’m sure others did too!
This was beautiful. I don’t comment often, but I love your blog and the message you send to your readers. Thank you for being honest and sharing your struggles with us as I am sure we all can relate. xo
Danielle
Thanks for sharing! I like the idea of writing a letter to my body. It actually makes you articulate some hard, but helpful, thoughts and feelings :-)
I love this and will be sharing it via email and on Facebook. You’ve hit so many thoughts we are all too familiar with and articulated them nicely.
This was really well written. Many people struggle with the same thing! You definitely wrote everything perfectly, I couldn’t agree more. Love your outfit :)
Beautiful. :)
Great post, just found your blog through Courtney at STSL. Love this blog post, I’m 29 and I do the same thing all the time. I eat a mini blizzard or half of a cinammon roll and I’m oilseed off for 2 weeks… It sucks and it’s stupid, we are all only human… right? So with that said, I have a lot to thank this body for, 2 beautiful children, a cancer survivor, and many many more… thx again, glad we have something in common ;-)
what a great post, hillary. i have been through all of the same emotions and feelings you write about. particularly:
“Is it necessary for me to allow “your gravitational number” to dictate my innocent days that are worthy of happiness in more ways than one?”.
isn’t this just crazy?! i finally ditched the scale and regained my sanity. if i feel i’m tipping too far in either direction, i might jump on the bathroom scale at my gym, but other than that, i live in a number-less world when it comes to weight.
This post just literally spoke to me, I think I could have written the same letter. You are so great for writing this and putting it out there on your blog. I was having this same conversation with my younger sister this past weekend and it is so important for us to love and respect our bodies for all they can do and give us day in and day out. This really is one of the best blog posts I have read in a while, thank you!
Would you mind if I featured this post on my blog and shared it with my readers? If not I totally understand, but I thought I’d ask.
No, I would not mind. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for your honesty. These are beautiful words, and so true. Our bodies are amazingly and intricately created, and the imperfections only make us uniquely us. But it can be oh-so-hard to accept them! Thanks for posting this.
What a beautiful post, Hillary! I really admire your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable and share this on your blog. I hope writing it helped you find a new perspective, and I’m sure it brought about a lot of emotion. You are so beautiful and strong! And an amazing cook, baker, writer, photographer, runner, etc. Might sound silly, but I’m proud of you! I was a mess at your age. :)
Great post! And love your lululemon crops. :) xo
What a beautiful post! And no, your post did not surprise me, because as someone else who loves fitness and tries to fuel her body with good food, I find my own relationship with my body to go through similar periods of dislike and harm. It’s so backwards, and yet so real too – I think most people (women, especially) who read this could nod their heads in agreement at different points. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. I really liked how you put it – your honesty about living behind “brick-thick walls” and wanting to chip away at them. Well done! I so commend you for taking that step Hilary. Thank you for sharing part of your story with us. :D Great crops too – flattering and they look like good ones to move in! Thanks again (and happy late birthday!).
I followed a link on a tweet that someone retweeted that someone else retweeted and on and on… I’m honestly just bored at work and was clicking around on stuff to read. I’m glad that I clicked on this though and that I read it. I know that I am a total and complete stranger in every way possible and I hope that you don’t find this weird, but I just wanted you to know that the things that you wrote had an impact on someone you’ll probably never even meet. I feel motivated to start making some changes.
:)
This was a great post! It’s really tough to move from that self loathing/critical place to a point where you love your body and what it does for you. I feel like it’s a constant work in progress. And oh how I LOVE my Lulu stuff. It just makes me happy.
This is a great post, you just gave me (and my body) so much strength and inspiration. AMAAAZING! :)