A week, a week… a FULL week has passed since my previous posting. The goal is not to turn this blog into a bunch of lists of what’s swimming inside my (crazy) head; but, sometimes, that’s all I’ve got for you because my mind is absorbed, crowded, and bothered by other musings. I often find myself trying to create of blog of “rainbows and butterflies”, whether or not that is representational of my current state of mind.
I thought about writing another Thursday Things post — one that was lighter — in which I’d mention my gnarly, raw callus from a few too many pull-ups, the unbelievably warm, t-shirt March weather, my $50 bag of groceries from Whole Foods, my current favorite country tunes, and how two sips of a margarita make me tipsy.
I could ramble about all of that, and it would all be valid; yet, often, this blog isn’t the platform I envision it to be because I am unable to escape the negativity and anxiety I fight inside. If I have another feeling aside from those classified as inspiring, happy, grateful, positive, etc., I am not compelled to play my part as a healthy living blogger. Why would I want to display that side of me when I have the control not to?
Perhaps you can see where I’m headed here, but if not, I shall explain.
This past weekend took a slight toll on me. This past I weekend, I traveled to the ever-beautiful Sonoma County for my grandfather’s memorial. I was excited to see my family and stick my fork in gourmet wine country food. This was the case, and was all good and well.
But, somehow, I forget to leave my negative, anxious thoughts behind when I packed my suitcase. This past weekend was supposed to be about my gracious, loving, supportive grandpa. It was supposed to be about remembering, honoring, and sharing.
This past weekend was not about the number that appeared on the bathroom scale; it was not about my bloated abdomen after eating a high-gluten meal; it was not about critizing every photograph I was in. Those things were not invited to the weekend festivities, and as a result, they crashed my party. I didn’t enjoy the special occasion to its fullest potential. I let the irrelevant, unimportant, little things get to me.
At Saturday’s afternoon gathering, my intelligent grandfather was quoted more than once about his emphasis on not being perfect.
Ironically, my continual strive for perfectionism put a damper on the smile I wished to share with family and old friends of my dear grandpa.
All of this is to say, in a roundabout way, that I am still on my journey to self-acceptance and learning to love myself. I haven’t made much headway on my 2013 aspiration of ditching the scale. My own, healthy (beautiful!) body is the source of 98 percent of my anxiety.
I want this blog to remain a positive place for readers to come. I want to inspire you to love yourself. That said, I want to be honest. Perhaps now you will have a better of understanding of the sometime silent blog, the ebs and flows of my posting.
Like many of you, I struggle with accepting “imperfections”, the idea that we can control so very little, that life lives better when you let go. If you are – or ever have been – in my shoes, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d love your company as I run to the finish line of this journey.
Grandma & I {March 2013}
Do you deal with anxiety?
Do you censor your own blog posts?
Have you let your body image affect an event in your life?
hillontherun
hillontherun
hillontherun
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
This is well said, and I think that most of us struggle with body image issues. One day I’ll feel GREAT about myself. Then I’ll eat too much for dinner that night and feel bloaty and horrible the next day. The point is to remind yourself of all you are doing to take care of yourself (working out, eating right, getting good sleep, etc.) and all of that will balance out those negatives. This posting came at a good time as I was feeling similarly as I went on my morning run this morning. Thank you for this!
Hillary, you are so strong for sharing this. I used to deal with body anxiety, but I am now in a very comfortable, loving, & happy place with my body and have no plan of changing that agenda any time soon. It was actually when I relaxed from exercising rigorously and eating meticulously that I learned to love myself, and my life more. I can’t describe to you how rich my life feels now. I would say don’t ‘run’ to the finish line, because there is never really an end, it isn’t a race, and it isn’t a competition. Loving your body is more like holding a yoga pose for an extremely long amount of time. It’s not how long you hold it that it important, it’s being within yourself and honoring your strength. I have no doubt you can overcome this struggle and will encourage you however I can :)
Grace – you are the best! Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and perspective on my struggle. You’re completely right. It is not a race. I think I often compare things to running – because I can easy relate – but I couldn’t agree with you more about connecting it with yoga instead. Coincidentally, when I did the practice more, I was more at peace with my mind and body. I think it’s time I have a date with my mat :)
Oh girl, I know exactly what you’re going through! I’ve ditched the scale for a bit now because I know I won’t like the number on it, so I’m really trying to go by how my clothes fit and how I feel. I had a date with my man several weeks ago and hated how I felt and how tight my pants were and I was way too concerned about if he could tell that I let it ruin my night with him! It’s awful, but we all go through it. I try to be as honest as possible on my blog because I know other people go through the same exact things, so it’s nice, like when I came on here today and read that you struggle with the same things. It’s nice to know we’re not alone on this journey. Plus, no one’s perfect. Keep your chin up girl! xo
You are brave! Thanks so much for sharing this. I totally relate. I wish I knew the “secret” to getting rid of these issues, but unfortunately I do not. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who has these feelings because it’s not always fun or easy for people to share them with others. Nice to be reminded I’m not alone. Also, I need yoga BAD. Hope you’re having a better day today!
Hey Hill!
I’m sorry to hear you’re having body anxiety issues. I know it is no fun. I realllly struggled with a fear of gaining weight during my Freshman year at college, and I worked out constantly/counted every calorie/obsessed over every bite. I found my worth in my weight.
And that was a horrible, stressful time indeed! With the help of friends, reading food blogs like yours and my faith, I am at a much better place now thank the good lord :) But I, too, still find myself scrutinizing my body…here are some things that help me…
When I see myself looking in the mirror and despising the “imperfections” of my body, I remind myself that I am comparing my body to air brushed pictures of women in magazines…at the end of the day, those images aren’t real. I have to remind myself that I am a real girl with stretch marks on her thighs and I have the choice to embrace my body or despise it.
It also really helps me to think about girls my age who worry about not having a meal tomorrow…thinking about the millions of people who are starving really pulls my perspective back to how my problems could be worse, you know?
And finally, I remind myself that true beauty comes from the heart. I watched a documentary with America Ferrara in it last night, and while she didn’t have a super toned bod, her actions, her smile and her words were full of so much genuine compassion that she was the definition of beautiful!!
I hope these ideas help you be the best you you can be Hillary! I really truly admire you and your blog and I hope you find peace today :)
xoxo
Kenz
Makenzie – Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment and suggestions. Comparison is the thief of joy. I often forget that. Enjoy your Thursday :)
I was wondering where you’ve been!
Your feelings are so relatable and thank you for being honest. I started writing a post yesterday about how stressed out I am and how trying to keep up with everything is wearing on my happiness/health, but I was afraid my readers would see it as me complaining and it would make my blog seem negative, so I never posted it. Sometimes, you just have to be real and I love that you are brave enough to do that. I think we are our own worst enemy with the expectations that we place on ourselves. I’m glad time with your family made you aware of it. BTW – you are so pretty, so please don’t beat yourself up! :)
Thanks, Sarah :)
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. I have been dealing with anxiety over food and my body for the past 3 years now. I was in Italy when it worsened and it really kept me from fully appreciating my trip. Instead of trying local gourmet foods with gusto, I was trying hard to still keep up a “healthy” diet and stayed away from regional treats. I was miserable. I know exactly how you felt at your grandpa’s memorial. I keep my body image from doing a lot of things, including exercise sometimes. I’m still learning to be comfortable in my own skin. Don’t worry about stressing though. It keeps you from looking forward to great things in the future, and you’ll have many. Stay strong, girl.
Hillary,
Thank you for your honesty. I often find myself in your shoes. I cannot remember a time when I haven’t struggled with my body image. I find that I’m really quick to berate myself for eating too much/the wrong foods, skipping a workout, not looking the way that I’d like. I wish there was a quick fix! Sometimes making a list of all of the things that my body has done helps (e.g. marathon, cross-fit, triathlon). The rational part of my brain knows that it’s ridiculous to criticize the legs that carried you for 42K, the arms that pulled you over obstacles in the Spartan race, etc., but it doesn’t always make it any easier to stop that criticism. Other times I think about what if someone else was saying the negative things that I say to myself to a friend of mine. I would never let someone talk to a friend that way, so why do I talk to myself like that?
I most definitely censor my blog. I want people to laugh and have a good time when they are reading my posts. I have a really hard time being vulnerable and I’m always concerned what other people will think. This is interesting because I REALLY appreciate it when other people, such as yourself, are brave enough to be honest and those are some of my favourite posts to read.
As for whether or not my body image has affected an event in my life, I find that there are times when I don’t want to go out and do things or see people because I’m convinced that they are judging the way that I look or talking about the weight that I’ve gained (even though I know in my head that I am in a healthy weight range and that it’s unlikely that anyone else is going to notice 5 pounds). This has a lot more to do with what’s happening in my head than what I actually look like.
Thank you again for your post. While butterflies and rainbows are great, rain clouds and raindrops are okay too.
Thanks so much for your response to my post. It simply is a battle between the rational part of my brain and the emotional part. Thank you for reminding me to focus on what my body has and does do for me… like the 75 (55lb.) front squats it cranked out an hour ago.
Thanks again… I especially like the last sentence.
I don’t read your blog because you’re always happy and positive. I read your blog because there’s something real and honest about it. Focusing and realizing the positives is important, but venting and dealing with the negativity of life is as well! Life has ups and downs and I love how you capture both sides in your blog. Thanks for sharing.
Writing about struggles instead of masking them with positive things does not make you a terrible blogger. A healthy living blogger has downsides, too, like ANY other person. No one is going to say anything in regards to you having a rough day unless they believe in yellow brick-roads and unicorns. Life is full of imperfections and days which are anything BUT perfect. I, too, am on a long journey towards finding balance in my life: mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am willing to admit I struggle a lot and I know that’s okay. The reader must decipher between what to take to heart and see as a “healthy living lifestyle” versus reading about someone who is writing about a tough time in their life. It’s your blog and your life <3 Stay strong and keep your head up.
Really awesome post, Hillary. And yes, I deal with the same kind of struggles. It’s words like yours that help me to realize how beautiful, strong, and able my body is as well as my personality. That’s a great picture of you, by the way! :)
I hate that body image struggles are such a hard thing to overcome. I love living a healthy life with fitness and great healthy food, so I know I know how to treat myself well. It’s been 2 months since I used the scale and it feels good and I hope it lasts. I applaud you for having a blog and the courage to write about your struggles. I have always wanted to start a blog but don’t think I would be able to be very open. But still, I feel a part of this healthy living blog community even though I am just a reader. It has helped me with some of my struggles and, from bloggers like you, I know that things do come in highs and lows, but we can work through them. Thank you for writing a beautiful blog!
I think that everyone struggles with something regarding self acceptance whether it be scale related or not. Everyone at some point looks in the mirror or gets on the scale and decides that “something” is not perfect. What is perfect really? We are all different for a reason. I believe when we look in the mirror we should train our brain to focus on the positives not the negatives. When you look in the mirror, the first thing you should do is compliment yourself. Do this every day! First thing you think of when you see yourself is something positive. If you do this every day, it becomes a habit! Also, in regards to the scale, you can not let that control you. I have spent most of my life judging myself based on the number on that scale. It was unfortunately something that was learned from the behaviour of someone who should have loved me unconditionally. When you are young and you feel judged by a parent about your weight, you carry that into adulthood. I spent the first 40 years of my life struggling to please this person. Whether I was too fat, too skinny, hair too straight, too dark, too light, whatever, I spent my life trying to make someone happy who would never be. This created the voice of self doubt in my head. Every time I looked in the mirror I would see and hear what this person’s negativity and criticism of myself was. It was not until I turned 40 that I realized I had wasted the first 40 years trying to please someone who 1. should have loved me unconditionally and 2. someone who would never be happy no matter what. It was a struggle to break that cycle, but you have to work hard to overcome that voice of self doubt and self criticism in your head. Your value is not based on the number on the scale. Are you active? Do you eat right? Do you have good health? Are you happy? Look in the mirror, smile and realize you are a beautiful person inside and out! Life is a journey, enjoy it!
Great post, Hillary. I deal with similar struggles and I’ve never really opened up about it on my blog, so I really respect you for sharing your feelings here. I’ve learned that a blog can be great even if it isn’t always rainbows and sunshine all the time. What I love about your blog is that you stay true to yourself and it’s evident in every word you write.
Great post and great comments from your readers, Hillary. Have you ever noticed how a little vulnerability brings out the best in people around you? You are a brave woman and so are all the people who shared their comments.
Sometimes I catch myself in the cycle of self doubt and criticism and manage, instead, to send a message of thanks to my body. Right now I’m thanking my brain for its ability to communicate with my fingers the exact letter I want to type to create the words that I want to appear before me.
Our bodies are so much more than images we project to the world, they are a miracle! I hope every time I remember to thank my body, it helps to negate some of the crazy — the self doubt and self criticism — tapes that play in my head.
That’s a beautiful photograph of you and your grandmother. Your mom has your grandmother’s eyes, doesn’t she?
~Kelly
Thanks for stopping by, Kelly, and for your wonderful addition to the comments below :)
My dearest Hillary,
You were the most beautiful person at your Grandpa’s Celebration. Your smile was radiant. You spoke so beautifully and lovingly about him… in front of about 80 people! I am so proud of you. However, I do understand about body image. Just looking at this photo with you reminds me of my weight issue. I was apprehensive about seeing people I hadn’t seen for years; some of whom were very important in my life. I didn’t want them to see how I’ve changed. But once the Celebration started and we were surrounded by loving family and friends, I forgot my image and thought only about them and their love of your Grandpa. I find that giving to and concentrating on others makes me feel good about myself. I love you.
I could only hope to be as beautiful as you are when I’m your age, Grandma.
This is so incredibly sweet!
I understand all too well. All too painfully well. I am traveling, seeing things others wish to see – I do not take it for granted at all…but I’m also not ‘present’. It’s so painful to be so sick of your thoughts/actions and hate yourself for not changing…and missing so much magic. But you can’t be hard on yourself. You just can’t. Breathe and know that you ARE enough right now no matter what.
Just saw this post and wish I would have seen it sooner. You read the post I wrote up where I opened up about my depression, body dysmorphia, and all the crap that comes with it. I never really wanted to put myself out there for others to see just how difficult it is for me, b/c like you said, I WANT to be positive. But I want to be real too.
It is helpful to know that you are not alone. There are so many people out there with these thoughts. The anxiety can get to be real bad sometimes, other times it’s manageable. The best part is we know that we are on the right track – it can’t last forever.
P.S. You are beautiful :)