Late this afternoon – after a conference call – my supervisor and I bundled up and headed outside for one of our semi-regular walk breaks around the company’s garden.
For many reasons, I count multiple gratitudes for this privilege.
My hands stuffed into my jacket pockets, my soft scarf wrapped tight, we briskly circled the gravel path a couple of times under the cold, cloudless January blue sky.
I was day dreaming of a blissful run… yet, too soon, our fifteen minutes were up and we were sauntering back to the office.
My knee hurt.
After mellow conversation, I finally let my frustrations flow…
Three different health care providers’ opinions haven’t given me the X, Y, Z diagnosis and prognosis I am seeking for high and low.
Once we returned to our office, turned toasty from the small space heater, my supervisor graciously gave me another set of exercises to do.
And this is when I learned my lesson for the day, as I kept stretching her suggestions.
“You have to think of this as rehab versus training,” she exclaimed.
I unloaded all of my venting into my desk drawer, put her simple wise words into my purse, and went on home.
In my new room, I slipped out of my stiff, shiny black Danskos and dark jeans into sweats and slippers. I remembered there, in my bare skin, when I would rush home from a long day to change into a bright workout outfit and dash off to the box. It wasn’t that long ago, yet it seems so far away.
Things are different currently – momentarily, not permanently.
Tonight, like most nights, I cranked the oven up to 400F and practiced my other passion.
Roasting vegetables and baking experiments have recently replaced my beloved burpees and box jumps.
I comforted myself with warm coconut chocolate chips cookies — eating them moments from exiting the oven, and enjoying the gooey trail of dark chocolate they made on my fingers.
Then, as I sprawled out in the middle of my living room floor, with a five pound weight strapped around my ankle, to do my advised rehabilitory exercises,
I thought about the frequent frustration.
I thought about how my patience has never been tested in this respect.
I thought about the people in my life who have fed me healthy helpings of hope in the past six weeks.
I thought about how they still love the softer version of me during this sabbatical…
and I thought about how, in the middle of this difficultly, there lies the opportunity
to learn to do likewise…
to permit positive self-love during all legs of the race of my life.
I need it now, to heal, and I’ll need it later to finish that full-marathon.
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Dear Body
Christmas 2013
Beautifully written Hillary. I am glad you are honoring this time that your body is asking for to heal. I struggled with not being able to run due to knee pain for a good month, and did a lot of walking and yoga instead and found it to be just as satisfying. My body just wants to move and not be beaten! Eventually I learned it was/is only a tight muscle and I have been rolling it daily. Running is coming back into my life slowly, but the break from it has put me in an incredibly healthy and clean state of mind. Looks like it’s doing the same for you :)
I also know how you feel. I have been 6 weeks w/o running and am still doing my rehab exercises to get back in the game. I felt like I could’ve written your post. I want so badly to get back to running, but know that I must be patient if I want to run a full marathon in 2013. I keep thinking, this too shall pass. But I am also frustrated. I have been doing everything I was told by a doc, but it is taking SO long. Good luck w/ your rehab. Keep us posted.
This was a lovely post! Listen to your body; it knows you the best!
Beautiful post, Hillary. I, unfortunately, know so well how you feel. I don’t even remember the last time I ran… I’ve been dealing with this injury for almost 16 months now (but who’s counting…). I miss running so much that I still breakdown about it, but it’s become less and less because I almost forget what I’m missing now. It’s like a faint memory and I’ve lost hope that I’ll be able to run again any time soon. But, you’re right, good things have come as a result of this injury and they will come for you too. We’ll both get through this!
Thanks, Caroline! Don’t give up hope either :)
Nice post! I can relate to how you feel very well. Rehabbing an injury is super frustrating, especially when it isn’t healing as quickly as you’d like. With people like you and me who lead a life full of movement and love it, an injury doesn’t simply sideline our workouts, it changes up our whole lives. All I can say is to hang in there and keep letting it heal! When I tore my calf muscle 3 years ago, I don’t think I let it rest enough, and not so coincidentally, I injured it again last year. These injuries come back to haunt us if we don’t let them heal properly, so just try to have patience and faith that your body will bounce back!
I loved this post. Very well written. Happy healing.
I don’t think I can thank you enough for this post. Seriously. I know how hard it is to not be pushing hard, doing what you love in terms of physical fitness/exercise, but you are completely correct on the point that “I need it now, to heal, and I’ll need it later to finish that full-marathon.” I absolutely love that you said this. It’s quite true and an often overlooked aspect of optimal health. We need to love ourselves, we need to perform maintenance on ourselves, and we need to let ourselves heal. Healing will help us in the present, but also in the future to reach goals. Keep on keeping on.
I just found your blog, and I really enjoyed this post. I have a hard time taking any rest break at all, though I’ve learned lately through training for my first marathon that I have to. I grew up doing ballet, so I’ve had to overcome a very skewed mindset about exercise.
OMG, I am so glad I found your blog! I am basically going through the exact same thing regarding a back injury. Doctors and all health care providers are useless. Why are they even getting paid. My physical therapist refuses to believe I have anything but a slipped disk and just treats me as such. She claims that she is ‘not going to be able to tell anything from an MRI’. Ummmmmm, do you have a medical degree? So it’s been two months without working out and I am going crazy!