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Gratitude for a Tough Year

November 23, 2016 by Hillary 2 Comments

For those who come for the recipes, the workouts, the wholesome eats, the wellness tidbits: if it hasn’t been clear, this past year has been a game changer for where I have focused my energy. I do have hope that I’ll find the creativity and inspiration to fill these pages with bites of whole food and fitness again; but, for now, I am using this space to find inner peace — to rewrite my story. As always, you are more than welcome to stay along for the ride!


This past Monday marked P’s one year army anniversary. One year ago to this day, my then boyfriend (now fiancé!) left on a plane to Oklahoma to begin his journey with the U.S. Army Reserves. While I expected the following year to be tough (Type A personality meets unpredictability), I wasn’t aware of the full spectrum of challenges that were ahead of me — presenting themselves one after another. For a highly sensitive person, this shit is exhausting.

I remember last Thanksgiving like it was yesterday: P was halfway across the country at Fort Sill for basic training; without access to his personal phone, I didn’t know if I’d hear from him, but assumed he might be able to call family for the holiday. I went to the gym early in the morning before hitting the road to my Grandma’s house. I was running on the treadmill listening to music when I got a call from an unknown number. Half asleep and sans coffee, it took me one ring too many to realize it was P calling. Duh! Who else would be calling from little Lawton, OK!? I picked up the phone a second too late. Immediately, I called the number back and was taken by surprise when a sergeant, I presume, answered the phone. I had missed my chance. I must have listened to that voicemail of P’s scratchy voice a handful of times that day.

Despite being surrounded by family, I fought back tears through our turkey feast. Everything was new, very very new; I felt raw and fragile. For the first time in years (my life?), my skin broke out in an outrageous rash. We thought it was an allergic reaction (to a food or supplement), but, in hindsight, I am nearly certain it was a reaction to stress.

That stress has continued to ebb and flow in powerful waves (and subsequent rashes) since last Thanksgiving until now. It has been one hell of a rough year, but, as ever, I have much to be grateful for. I debated writing a post this week titled “The Hardest Year of My Life”, but nixed the idea. Tomorrow being Thanksgiving and all — a holiday evocative of thankfulness and gratitude — has, rather fortunately, brought positive energy to the surface.

gratitude

I am grateful for…

my illuminating yoga instructor — lunchtime yoga classes are my lifesaver: an hour of calm amongst the storm. I can not measure the gratitude I possess for our company’s yoga teacher — her words of wisdom, her peaceful presence, her ability to foster stability during shaky days, and nonetheless, for holding the space for me (and everyone else) to be on my mat and “accept myself as I am, right now”

my patient health care providers — who treat me like friends; who don’t judge my current story, but accept me how I am and who I am today

my dear mom — who listens, who encourages, and who loves without abandon

my caring dad — who calls, who checks-in, who assists me with the “hard things” when I need a hand

my unwavering fiancé — who continues to supply unconditional amounts of love and reassurance from 3,000 miles away

My heart is filled with gratitude for all who have helped me get through this roller coaster of a year, not excluding my supportive friends and blog buddies — thank you!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Hill xo

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Comments

  1. Caroline says

    November 23, 2016 at 11:32 am

    Aw, I love this post. I too have been battling with writing a post about one of the hardest years in my life. But every time I go to post it, I feel the need to focus on the positive.. idk. It’s hard to articulate this year still. Another weird tidbit.. I just realized as I was reading this post that you were in my dream last night! haha so random.
    Anyways, wishing you and your family a happy Thanksgiving!! I hope things start to look up from here on out! Thinking of you <3

    Reply
    • Hillary says

      November 23, 2016 at 12:04 pm

      Aww, thanks Caroline. I hope it was a good dream at least! ;) Happy Thanksgiving to you my friend <3

      Reply

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“Anxiety is a symptom, not a diagnosis.” - Dr. “Anxiety is a symptom, not a diagnosis.” - Dr. George Papanicolaou

It’s no secret that I suffer from chronic anxiety and panic attacks. Or at least I don’t intend it to be. Because while there can be a lot of shame and embarrassment around both of these, I know I’m not alone in my experiences. While I’ve leaned toward the more anxious side most of life, my bothersome anxiety has steadily increased since my mid-twenties - some periods being worse than others. 

It’s not a complete surprise that my mental health has taken a dip during my first full gloomy Seattle winter — in the height of a pandemic. 

Here are some ways I have been nurturing my body & mind as I work with a team of practitioners to work on understanding the **root causes** of my panic, and to live with more ease. 

» no coffee (not even decaf)

» meditating regularly - I’m using @insighttimer 

» gentle movement

» weekly therapy sessions

» attempting cold showers (this is hard for me!): if you’re interested, you can research how this impacts the nervous system

» working with a naturopathic doctor to focus on gut + hormone health

» trying a new Rx - a decision that took years of consideration

» lastly, opening myself up to vulnerable conversations/sharing my story and my experiences in efforts to reduce any shame and connect with others 

I am not my anxiety. 

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Leavenworth, WA • Where To Eat🍴 I was expect Leavenworth, WA • Where To Eat🍴

I was expecting all things beer, brats and pretzels in Leavenworth (not really my jam) 🍺🥨🧀, and while there’s plenty of it, I was delighted to find plenty of delicious eats for my “foodie” taste. 

We went to all of these 3 places more than once during our quick stay - highly recommend! 

☕️ @argonautespressobar: Located at one end of Front Street, this adorable coffee bar has delicious espresso drinks, breakfast items, and the best view! 

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We had snow much fun exploring the picturesque Bavarian town of Leavenworth, WA for a much-needed mid-week getaway to the mountains. 🏔

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