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Dear Body

September 2, 2011 by Hillary 28 Comments

Dear Body,

I don’t know what you did to deserve the hurtful words that I dish out at you ev-er-y day. You’ve been getting a lot of smack from me lately, and so I owe you an apology. For the past 10 years – ten years! – we’ve had an unstable relationship. I pick you apart like you’re a machine without a heart, imagining you to look like a manufactured, plastic Barbie doll that was created on a conveyer belt, flawless and identical to the rest. That isn’t reality though; I have a heart, a strong heart, and the degrading thoughts that sprint through my head at race pace do nothing but punch weakness into my heart.

A freckle, two freckles…1,001 freckles, scars – a new one every month or two – tan lines that cease to disappear, callused feet, and unusual orange palms. I label these “imperfections”, as if they should be distinguished with Post-It notes and marked #1…#2. I wasn’t born into the world “perfect”, so why after 22 years of living life, should I expect you to show no signs of life… of experience, of what makes me, Hillary?

Can I not be thankful, grateful, and appreciative that you carried me through a life-threatening illness at the age of seven for a reason, that you’ve allowed me to run thousands of miles on this beautiful planet – including 5 memorable half-marathons – and that you have the leg muscles to show for it? Can I not be thankful that your laugh is contagious and makes any stranger around you smile?

Do I really need to yell at you for indulging in a chunk of 73% dark chocolate smeared with almond butter after eating tuna and raw carrot sticks? Is it necessary for me to allow “your gravitational number” to dictate my innocent days that are worthy of happiness in more ways than one?

You’ve gotten a lot of shit (excuse me) from me throughout my adolescent years, as I dealt with hormonal changes, relationships, anger, sadness, and fear. I’ve thrown restrictive diets at you, from one week to next, and I’ve held you hostage at the gym well past your limit.

Can I not see that the only way you will succeed and survive a long, healthy life is if I feed you with positivity, trust, and love? You aren’t getting any younger. Your 12-year-old physique of a gymnast and a swimmer can only be seen in Mom’s treasured photo albums.

As much as I’d like to say our relationship with be all roses from here on out, I am smart enough to know our issues can’t be mended with a single stitch. Hopefully, sooner than late, I will come to peace with the reality that as life changes, you will change too. You might not understand why I fuel you with chia seeds, ancient grains, and dark leafy greens. You more than likely question why we circle the track and hang out upside down on the yoga mat week in and week out. I will tell you… it’s out of love.

Thank you, Body, for sticking by my side… for allowing me to tear you down and always picking me back up.

Love,

Hillary

* * *

If this post surprised you, please do not be alarmed. This is something I’ve wanted to write for a while. If you weren’t aware, I am guarded by some brick-thick walls, and along with learning to live, I’ve been working on chipping away at those walls. The only way to do that, I’ve figured, is by being vulnerable. It’s scary, and nerving, but perhaps by using my inner strength to come out of my hard shell, I can help others (you?) appreciate our individual beauty and make more of our days happy ones.

025-1

Modeling my birthday Lulu crops & headband – thank you, Dad!

Filed Under: Life Tagged With: Body Image, Dear Body Letter, Self Love

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“Anxiety is a symptom, not a diagnosis.” - Dr. “Anxiety is a symptom, not a diagnosis.” - Dr. George Papanicolaou

It’s no secret that I suffer from chronic anxiety and panic attacks. Or at least I don’t intend it to be. Because while there can be a lot of shame and embarrassment around both of these, I know I’m not alone in my experiences. While I’ve leaned toward the more anxious side most of life, my bothersome anxiety has steadily increased since my mid-twenties - some periods being worse than others. 

It’s not a complete surprise that my mental health has taken a dip during my first full gloomy Seattle winter — in the height of a pandemic. 

Here are some ways I have been nurturing my body & mind as I work with a team of practitioners to work on understanding the **root causes** of my panic, and to live with more ease. 

» no coffee (not even decaf)

» meditating regularly - I’m using @insighttimer 

» gentle movement

» weekly therapy sessions

» attempting cold showers (this is hard for me!): if you’re interested, you can research how this impacts the nervous system

» working with a naturopathic doctor to focus on gut + hormone health

» trying a new Rx - a decision that took years of consideration

» lastly, opening myself up to vulnerable conversations/sharing my story and my experiences in efforts to reduce any shame and connect with others 

I am not my anxiety. 

[image: a photo I snapped to send to my mom of my naturally red palm holding my Rx on the first day I took it]
This rare blue sky day in February is having me da This rare blue sky day in February is having me day dreaming about long, light-filled summer days... they’ll be here soon. 

#pikeplacemarket #seattlewashington
Leavenworth, WA • Where To Eat🍴 I was expect Leavenworth, WA • Where To Eat🍴

I was expecting all things beer, brats and pretzels in Leavenworth (not really my jam) 🍺🥨🧀, and while there’s plenty of it, I was delighted to find plenty of delicious eats for my “foodie” taste. 

We went to all of these 3 places more than once during our quick stay - highly recommend! 

☕️ @argonautespressobar: Located at one end of Front Street, this adorable coffee bar has delicious espresso drinks, breakfast items, and the best view! 

🥐 @tumwaterbakery: Incredible pastries, avocado toast on artisanal bread that’s a feast for your eyes... and I’m eager to go back and try their wood-fired pizza! 

🍜 @yodelinbroth: Literally some of the best food I’ve had (ever!), and that’s saying a lot. I had the Yodelin soup with housemade wild PNW halibut bone coconut curry broth, udon noodles, heaps of veggies and wild salmon - it was nourishing to my core as we ate it outside in 30 degree weather. I even bought some of the broth to recreate this meal at home, yum! 

#nutritionnuteats #leavenworthwa
winter wonderland getaway ✔️ We had snow much winter wonderland getaway ✔️

We had snow much fun exploring the picturesque Bavarian town of Leavenworth, WA for a much-needed mid-week getaway to the mountains. 🏔

We stayed in a cozy little cabin @logecamps right on the Wenatchee River (one day I’ll be back to stay at the stunning @phleavenworth), played in Enchantment Park, took a drive to Lake Wenatchee, and discovered some of the best food downtown (I’m saving my food recs for another post).

Nestled between the snow-capped Cascade Mountains with the river running through town, it’s quite magical in the middle of winter. ❄️ I’m already dreaming of heading back for some summer adventures!
I’m sure Koba is wondering why we ever lived in I’m sure Koba is wondering why we ever lived in Florida for two years.

#takemetothemountains #snowday
dog [noun] companion, loyal comforter, playmate, f dog [noun] companion, loyal comforter, playmate, forgiving, loving, energetic, protective, best friend.
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